How to step out of your shell (as an introvert)
Here’s a little thing that few people know about me; I’m actually a massive introvert. Give me half a chance and I’ll happily avoid people for days on end. All I need is a good book to keep me company.
I know this isn't very shocking since there are so many other introverts out there too. But why do so few people know this about me?
Because I hide it well.
A long time ago I realised that people often confused shyness for being standoffish or aloof. They assume that you think you’re better than them and don't want to talk to them, when in fact the opposite is true.
You may desperately want to talk to them, but feel way too shy or scared to even try.
Of course, this isn't the best way to make friends at all and if you’re anything as shy as I was growing up, you'll know how lonely it can get.
So, naturally, I started watching people who were more outspoken and extroverted than I was. I began to watch their body language, what they would say and what they would do that made people feel comfortable around them. And I learned 3 key principles that I still use today - when I need to.
I started applying these strategies and almost immediately people started opening up to me.They were comfortable around me after only knowing me for a few minutes. And the more they spoke to me, the more confident I grew.
I came to realise that I could control how others saw me, I didn't have to be the quiet awkward one in the corner that no one knew what to say to. I could be the one that goes up to other introverts and strikes up a conversation, encouraging them to come out of their shell too.
Now, you may think, why did I have to change my personality for others?
Truth is, I didn't change a thing. I simply learned a new way to interact with people.
I'm still the same me, and on the days when I don't have the energy to be extroverted, I still sit in the corner of a coffee shop with a good book and a cup of coffee.
Nothing has changed. But by being a little more ‘extroverted’ and approachable I opened myself up to more opportunities than I can count.
I also noticed that I became stronger as a person, and began allowing myself to actually ask for help when I needed it.
This was something I struggled with in the past to the point where I almost collapsed on a hike because I could ask passers-by for help.
Learning to be more of an extrovert when it mattered (an important distinction), helped me book my first workshops, take on a job as a lecturer (with over 100 students), tutor medical students in PBL sessions (Problem Based Learning) and helped me grow my friend and network base.
It also gave me more confidence in myself to reach for my goals like publishing my ebooks and starting my blogs. Not bad for a complete introvert. The trick was managing my energy. I didn't have to be an introvert all the time, only when I needed to.
While changing my mindset was a massive turning point for me, I'm still an introvert at heart. I’m not pretending to be something I'm not. I’m simply developing a part of myself so that I can give myself more opportunities and options in life.
I realised that to be happier and attain my goals I needed to learn how to be an extrovert when I needed to. It's a skill like knowing how to ride a bike or cook food. It was necessary for my growth as a person. It takes energy to be an extrovert when that’s not who you are, but it pays off.
So, how do you get it right?
Step 1- change your mind
One of the things I battled with as an introvert was fear.
I was actually afraid of people. I wouldn't even look them in the eye.
Now, the wonderful thing about the mind is that you can rewire it, it’s not static and we can learn new skills and adapt whenever we need to.
When you change how you see things on a conscious level, it sinks into your mind and changes how you experience things too.
So, in with this in mind I worked on changing how I perceived others.
In my mind I reminded myself that ‘they are just people too’. I began to remind myself that these are just normal people like me and they also have their lives and problems. And the more I spoke to people, the more this belief was affirmed.
When you humanise others that fear subsides.
This works wonders for authority figures too. If you find that you are so nervous for an interview that you’re afraid to speak, remind yourself that they are people too. They have a mom and a dad, maybe some kids, they watch tv just like you, and eat pizza. They are just like you in so many ways.
This helps make them more approachable and breaks down most of that fear.
Step 2 - change your body language
Body language is so incredibly powerful because it reflects what a person is actually thinking without them even knowing it.
And the same goes for you.
If you feel shy or scared you’ll tend to close off your body, crossing your arms, standing just outside of a crowd, almost as if you’re trying to hide.
But, if you notice yourself doing this and change it on a conscious level, uncrossing your arms, standing closer to the crowd, leaning in a bit when someone is talking to show that you're interested, others won't see how shy you are.
They'll start to include you, and soon you won't have to fake it. It’s a case of fake it till you make it.
This may take some practice at first, but it will soon become a habit and you’ll barely need to think about it.
Step 3 - start talking to people - literally anyone
Yes, this is the hardest part, especially if you live in a city where people tend to keep to themselves. But this also means that most people are starving for conversation.
I tend to take every opportunity to practice on strangers, making conversation about anything (usually something around us).
Sometimes people will ignore or dismiss my attempts, and that’s ok.
At other times I find myself having a 30 min conversation with a random stranger about the oddest thing, like a book or makeup. This boosts my confidence and ability to talk to even more people, and it’s also a great way to make new friends.
It helps to ask people a question to prompt a conversation. It can be about something you're both looking at (for me it’s often makeup). I’ll say something like “wow, that’s a bargain’ or even ask their opinion or advice like, ‘which one is the best make?’
You don't ever even have to get super personal, this is just about learning how to break the fear barrier when you need to.
What happens if they dismiss you?
Well, sometimes this happens. The key here is not to take it personally.
They don't know you at all, so they can't actually have anything against you. Remind yourself that they have their own busy lives and consider that they may be rushed, stressed out or shy too. Then shake it off and try talking to someone else.
While there are tons of other strategies out there that might help you, I find that these 3 have helped me more than any others I’ve tried. They are simple to do and easy to remember even though it can be tough to start with.
One more thing...
Trying to start a new habit can be exhausting and scary. I find that it helps to allow yourself some off days from being an extrovert.
Allow yourself to be an introvert sometimes. Sit in the corner with a book, avoid eye contact or just be shy. It’s ok.
But remember that you need to give it some practice too, you can't be in your bubble all the time or you will find that that bubble gets smaller and smaller, and with it, your opportunities in life diminish too.
Yes, it can be exhausting to be outspoken when that's not your true self, but in today’s world, there are times when you need to come out of your shell just a little.
Events like parties, family gatherings or even a job interview and the first day on the job are perfect examples of times when you would bring yourself out of your shell for just a few hours. Enough to make the kind of impression you want to make.
You have the power to control the kind of first impression you make on others. And often it's that first impression that determines how they see you for years to come. This is why it's so important to put some energy into sculpting that first impression to your advantage.
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