How to START your journey of self discovery
Living with anxiety can be horrible. It’s like having your own built-in bully reminding you of how inadequate you think you are, every past mistake and guilting you for everything, every moment of the day. And it's exhausting!
Maybe you think about how you used to be before your anxiety became so overwhelming, and maybe you guilt yourself for not being like that now.
But your real focus should be on who you are now.
That past you may be gone, and unfortunately, you can't get her back, But that's not a bad thing.
The person that you are today is amazing and powerful and strong and you owe it to her to get to know her in all her glory.
You are wiser and smarter now than you ever were, and even though you might yearn for the days when you felt stronger than you do now, you are who you are because you've survived your past. There is no shame in that and you don't need to be hard on yourself because of it.
Instead, try to look on the positive side.
This is an ideal opportunity for you to get to know the real you and recreate yourself.
You can take this chance to figure out who you are now and what you want to become in the not too distant future. Who do you want to be in a year?
How does this help with your anxiety?
When you constantly remind yourself of your pain you’re actually holding onto it like a lifeline and reliving it every time you think about it. You experience the pain all over again each and every time and don't really give yourself a chance to recover.
But, When you keep your eye on the future instead of the past you’ll find that you’ll begin to heal because you're focusing on something you can control and something other than the pain you went through.
Letting go of those old thought patterns will be difficult at first, but when you focus on your future, you’ll start to find that you begin loosening your grip on the past pain because you're giving your mind something else to focus on and obsess about. The bonus is that you start shaping your life the way YOU want it.
How and why it works
Somehow, somewhere we made up our minds that we need to stay who and how we are. We think that our minds are rigid and unchanging. We tell ourselves that ‘I’ve always been like this’ and use that as a reason to stagnate.
But the reality is that the mind is more amazing and powerful than we give it credit for. Your mind adapts and changes as situations around you change. That's how we're able to adapt and learn new things.
These adaptations can come across as habits or character traits.
So, when you say things like ‘I’ve always been this way’ you are actually saying ‘My habits control me’.
These habits may be the way you see the world, how you interact with people and even how you see yourself. The problem is that a lot of these habits were created as a reaction to a bad situation and this is where your anxiety came from.
So, for example, you might have learned that when you didn't express your emotions, you didn't trigger the narcissistic abuser in your life. Now, years later, you just assume that you're cold or battle with emotions when really it was this coping mechanism that saved you and this habit just stuck.
The problem is that you've been allowing that habit to stick around long after you needed it and you've been planning your life around it. So, while it helped you survive and cope when things got tough, they are actually holding you back today.
The good news is that you can control and change your habits.
How do you change your habits?
Before you can start changing your habits, it helps to have an idea of what you want from your life. This way you can create the type of habits that will help you make that life a reality.
Why is this important?
Because it's easier to replace a bad habit than to break it. So, for example, if you want to quit smoking, it helps to take up something more healthy, like drinking a cup of tea whenever you feel for a cigarette.
But what does figuring out what you want from your life have to do with self-discovery?
Simply put, part of figuring out who you are involves figuring out what you want from your life. And when you know what you want from your life, you can start creating the kinds of habits, routines and days that help you create that life and manifest the true you.
The first step to creating that new life with new healthy mental habits begins when you get to know the real you - that's the you that isn't tainted by your pain or anxiety.
Step 1 - Getting to know yourself again
Do you ever get so caught up in living your daily life and trying to just survive the day that you forget to pay attention to yourself? You forget to stop and ask, is this what I really want for and from my life? is this what makes me happy? Is this who I really want to be?
Well, you’re not alone.
When you have an anxiety disorder it's so easy to lose sight of where your anxiety ends and where you begin.
So how do you figure out who you are without your anxiety?
I find that the best way to do this is to simply start exploring and experimenting.
Give yourself a chance to get to know yourself. What do you like or don't like? What are you good at? What do you enjoy doing when you’re alone and don't have to compromise?
This is how you begin the journey of self-discovery.
If you have a journal, create an entry where you answer some simple questions about yourself. Then, bookmark it so that you can come back to it later.
Need some journal prompt ideas?
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Step 2 - celebrate how far you've come
Most of us look back at who we once were, and wish that we were that person again.
We imagine that life was better back then, that we were somehow better.
But if you stop to think about it, then you'll realise that that way of thinking is total BS.
No, you’re not the same person that you were years ago, you’re much better.
You have been through more and learned so much along the way. Even if you don't see it, you are stronger than you were then.
So, instead of looking back and wishing for the past, celebrate your strengths now.
I find that using my journal to reflect on how far I've come really helps. It gives me something to look back at when I'm feeling low, and it also acts as a kind of tracker that helps me see my progress over the years.
Journal prompts that will help
- What's the biggest obstacle you've had to overcome in your life / recently?
- how did you manage to overcome it?
- what changes did you make that allowed you to overcome that challenge?
- How did that change you?
- is this a part of you that you want to keep or drop?
- why/ why not?
- what do you feel like you're missing out on in your life?
- how can you start doing more of that?
- what do you really enjoy doing?
- how can you start doing more of that?
- what don't you enjoy about your life right now?
- how can you work around it/ outsource it/ or cut it from your life entirely?
- what type of routine do you wish you had?
- how can you make that a reality?
Use the journal prompts above to reflect on yourself every month or so. These will help you realise how far you've come, who you are now, and who you want to become.
Give yourself some time to think about the answer to these questions. You don't have to come up with all the answers all at once either, take it one question at a time, one day at a time, and meditate on it over a couple of days to find your answers.
You can do things like have a morning and evening routine that corresponds to your new life. Do you want to be the type of person who jogs every morning? Set an alarm for a few minutes earlier than normal, and work that jog into your schedule. (tip: having a habit tracker helps you establish those habits)
It’s that easy, and that difficult.
Setting up new habits and routines requires discipline, especially at first. The trick is to stick with it until you feel those new patterns becoming ingrained into you. They will eventually become automatic and you'll do them without even thinking about it.
That is really when your new life starts to take shape.
So, take a look at what you want from your life, what feels natural and right for you, and start creating that life by establishing the type of habits that make it a reality.
To help you get there, and explain the process in more detail, I've created a workbook with worksheets and planners that will help you go through this journey of self-discovery.
In it, I break down and guide you through all the steps into easy to follow chunks that you can tackle at your own pace.
Step 3 - living the new you
Now that you know what your starting point is, where you want to go with your life, and how to get there, you need to start living it.
You've decided what you want to change in your life, how you want to express yourself and how to be true to yourself and that's great! But willpower alone isn't going to make that happen.
Yes, this is one of those 'it's more difficult than it sounds' scenarios, but that's why habits are so important.
If you don't make the effort to be true to the real you, you'll fall back into the habits brought on by your anxiety. Habits are sticky like that.
To make those changes stick for longer than a day, you need to make them real, strong lasting habits. And to do that you just need to work at them each day till they become a natural part of your day and life.
To keep you motivated to keep at it till they become habits you'll need a constant reminder of why these changes are so important to you. I find that vision boards help keep people focused.
They remind you of what your 'true to self' life looks like and why it's so important to you. The pictures and inspiring quotes, let you tap into the inspiration you felt when you made it.
That inspiration gives you the strength to stay disciplined and focused on breaking those old painful habits and creating new powerful happier habits until those habits are established.
Write down all those new habits you want to create and the changes that you need to make to your life in order to create your new life, and work on them one by one. It may take some time before you start seeing results, but keep at it and believe in yourself.
I use Vision boards to remind myself of the type of life I want to live, and what I find valuable in my life. This helps keep me on track and stops me from slipping back into my anxiety-driven habits.
How to use them:
Whenever I feel like my life is getting unbalanced- maybe I feel that I'm focusing on the wrong things in my life- I take a good long look at the vision board I set out for myself. I meditate on it and ask myself: "Am I living that life, the life I'm drawn to? Or am I letting my anxiety dictate my actions each day?"
This is a simple but incredibly powerful way of making sure you're on the right track, being true to yourself and stepping away from the anxiety-driven habits that have been holding you back.
Your anxiety disorder doesn't have to hold you back from being true to yourself anymore.
While you may need to figure out new ways of doing things and ways to work around your anxiety, you can do this.
You are stronger than you think, and you are in control.
Give yourself permission to live your best life, and give yourself a chance to be who you were meant to be.
I believe in you.
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